Day 14 – Schizophrenia – Am I a troll or am I a flower ?

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This here is a dive into my schizophrenia. Let’s look at some math. These two dimensions of “troll” and a “flower”, are clearly spinning out of my minds polarity these days.  My mind’s are here exposed. Flower being the positive polarity and troll being the negative polarity. The different minds operate like branches and petals on the flower and the heads on the troll, often I have more than just one mind, governed ultimately by myself, as mind. So this flower is a consequence and spin off from positive polarity, to self worth and value. It holds great potential and room for expansion. A picture of a multi branched flower. Where the different minds  are the branches with flowers and the main mind is the flower with a pot itself.  And the troll on its part is a more direct spin of out of my schizophrenic design and being. My core of schizophrenia. So that leaves us with link to schizophrenia. So what is schizophrenia to me ? I can very easy define a flower and a troll, but how do I define schizophrenia ?

See this is the math of “what leads to what”, part that is vital to understand, where the plant/flower is more a direct product of the positive mind experience. While the troll is coming from my definition of schizophrenia. So there is a extra link to the troll/schizophrenia design, if you catch my drift. Do I need that extra link ? Is  this extra link not obsolete ? I mean, again, how to I consider schizophrenia ? Schizophrenia has as many definitions to it that it has people diagnosed with it – to my awareness. The establishment and doctors have their way of spinning  it. They seem to bother about the surface issues. They seem to pay attention to the symptoms of schizophrenia. They hardy dive into it seems. They are locked to “brain” and don’t consider the whole body picture. Big mistake, cause brain is just signals on and off. Question remains open. This is a very key point about psychiatry to understand, that is very important to give some awareness to, because of all the money/study that is spent on neuro – psychiatry and the “brain”, is just often a waste. We need to look holistically at it. Again, the brain is just on and of… signals, and very much like a minds chaos/circus with energies.  We must find our self devoting time with the physical, the whole picture. The head is (atm) all mind and deceit.

Why should I bother calling myself schizophrenic when the diagnosis don’t suit me ? It seam I need to redefine the diagnosis. Or leave it behind, forget the diagnosis and focus elsewhere. Since what is schizophrenia has most to do with sickness, pain and suffering. And … that is not so much my deal – like it used to, this is because of me taking charge of myself and my living. Me directing myself more and more.  Point is I guess that it is easier to be like a flower, it has fewer links to get there, it leaves me without needing to be a troll and a beast. I can be myself. If that is like John Nash and a beautiful mind, a flower, so be it. I keep coming back to this  core of seeing a plant/flower as my mind existence, somewhat in a polarity to the troll/schizophrenia.  A flower in a pot. It is a alive. It is a being. It breathes…the troll on the other hand is 100 % fiction (!) It is quite daunting and quite remarkable. It is like I can today, being born schizophrenic,  direct myself to not be  a troll, to close down that dimension more and more,  and rather be a flower lol. It is quite amazing and it practically gives me shivers. I can tell you for sure my medication and remedy of working with self forgiveness on mind points and on myself and my past, for 5 years straight. It pays off !

So it is my responsibility and obligation to direct myself into this yes, flower/plant, and to remove by doing that working on spotting the more concentrated and lively inferior, troll points. They will still appear and are with me for some time, but I can work with it and delete it with self forgiveness as I go.


So the troll and Cerberus beast of schizophrenia, design placed on me before I was born (I have all detail to this if you want to listen and learn – contact me) – it is there to remind  me that this world still needs to be adjusted and forgiven. There is lots of work to be done.  Focus in psychiatry must be on the whole body, not lost in signals in brain !





A soundcloud track by me on self forgiveness and schizophrenia:


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